Bleach Sliceoflife Shorts
by VanillaMostly
Summary: Random short stories, so far set in that nice time skip Kubo-sensei provided us... you know, the "17 months".
1. Future Plans

**Future Plans**

"..."

Ichigo stared down at the paper, twirled his pencil, chewed his bottom lip. He did not think about this. He did not even see this coming.

His teacher had handed out these "evaluations" earlier that day. "Please return these when you're done," she called out cheerfully.

Everyone else in the classroom jotted down their answers with no difficulty. Keigo was boasting to other people about his career choice: becoming a TV celebrity. He was undeterred by the groans and "yeah, right"'s.

Ichigo glanced at his friends Chad and Orihime. Chad didn't seem troubled at all. In fact he was already handing his to the teacher. Orihime was frowning slightly, but it wasn't due to indecision but due to concentration. Tatsuki peeked over her shoulder and Orihime covered her paper, blushing wildly.

And of course, Ishida was pushing up his glasses in that princely matter of his and neatly finishing up his answers.

Ichigo sighed. He decided to just write down the typical answer. "Go to university."

There.

He could imagine though the teacher going, "Which one?"

Ichigo didn't know. Let's just say that with all the Menos Grandes, Arrancars, Vizards or whatever Shinigami stuff taking over his life for the past two years he hasn't had time to really think about universities.

But what could he write down? Surely not, under future plans, "Try to stay alive while killing Hollows and helping dead people when I can."

They would drag him off to an asylum for sure.

Ichigo was starting to have an epiphany. He couldn't go on doing what he's been doing forever. For one thing - killing Hollows doesn't pay a single cent! The Kurosaki clinic's been doing alright so far, but what his dad's been making isn't nearly enough to put Karin and Yuzu through university. And Yuzu wants to be a lawyer (it was a weird goal for her but she's been adamant about it ever since watching an inspiring drama about prosecutors). Law school tuition isn't cheap! And even though Ichigo wasn't sure what Karin is thinking (he never was, that sister of his is sure one tough nut to crack), it will likely be expensive. For all he knows she might want to be an astronaut!

And what about Ichigo himself? Does he really want to do this pain-in-the-ass job that doesn't pay a single cent forever? It's not like Sereitei really needs him anymore anyway. Aizen's caught and holed up in his prison, Afro-dude can keep the Hollows in town under control well enough (and if he can't, that's Urahara's problem, not Ichigo's), and if Ichigo quits his Shinigami gig then none of his friends will be in danger of being kidnapped. It's a win-win situation for all.

No more crazy spanish-speaking monsters chasing him down... no more leaving Kon to inhabit his body and ruin his reputation while he goes off risking his life... no more annoying strangers picking battles with him left and right...

"Kurosaki.. KUROSAKI!"

Ichigo snapped out of his reverie.

"Nice to see you joining us," said the teacher. Everyone laughed and there was a chorus of 'ha, you were drooling.' "QUIET!" she yelled.

Everyone quieted.

"As I was saying," she said to the class brightly. "Today we have a new student to introduce. She just transferred from another school so I want you to be really nice and welcoming. Come in, come in," she waved at someone standing in the hall.

"Yes, it's a girl!" whispered the guys while the girls rolled their eyes.

"Ok, everyone," said the teacher as the student entered the room. "This is..."

"Rukia. Kuchiki Rukia."

Ichigo fell out of his chair.

"What is with you today, Kurosaki!" cried the teacher. Everyone again laughed. Ichigo, however, was too busy staring at the new transfer student with bugging eyes.

It's Rukia! Wait a minute, something was weird... Like, um, deja vu?

"Watcha staring at?" snapped Rukia. "Get yourself together! It's time to beat up some Hollows! C'mon!" She threw a flying kick into the side of his head. She had on her special gloves. On her head was a Chappi hat - wait, what?

"Kurosaki has his retarded face on," the guy sitting in front of Ichigo remarked, turning around. Wait a minute - that's - Renji?

"He does," agreed the teacher. Who wasn't the teacher - but - Byakuya?

"Give him a break, guys," the student who sat behind him said. Ichigo turned to see - old man Yamamoto?

"No way, he's forgotten us," another voice spoke at the window. Hitsugaya? Another face popped behind him. "Oh taichou, I can't believe he did," pouted Matsumoto...?

"ICHIGO! YOU STILL OWE ME ANOTHER FIGHT!" Oh god, there's Kenpachi...

"Hey, are you even listening?" said Rukia, slapping Ichigo's cheek. "Hey, hey, are you, like, dead?"

...

...

...

" - HELLO? EARTH TO ICHIGO!"

Ichigo opened his eyes to see a foot placed on his mouth.

"WHAT THE F&*^sdf" He pushed it away and gagged, scrubbing at his lips with... his pillow.

"Hmph, about time you woke up," grinned Papa Kurosaki. "I KNEW YOU COULDN'T WITHSTAND MY NECK HOLD OF DEATH - "

Ichigo punched his dad in the nose. Ignoring Isshin's injured whines, Ichigo gathered in his surroundings.

He was in bed. In his bedroom. So... it was just a dream.

He chuckled at himself. Because, duh. From the beginning he should've realized it was a dream. One of the biggest plot holes should've been glaringly obvious.

Because like he had fantasized in his dream, he wasn't a Hollow-killing-substitute Shinigami anymore... He really, literally, had quit this job that didn't pay a single cent.

He really wouldn't ever be chased down by Spanish-speaking monsters.

Or get his friends kidnapped.

Or be off risking his life while a perverted mod soul frolicked around town in his body.

Or take up battles with annoying strangers left and right.

That chapter of his life was in the past now... because Ichigo hasn't had his spiritual powers for 16 months and 29 days.

Not that he was counting.

And needless to say, he hasn't seen Renji, Byakuya, Hitsugaya, Matsumoto, old man Yamamoto, or Kenpachi in those 16 months and 29 days.

Not Rukia either.

"Get dressed," Isshin was saying, rubbing his nose. He threw something heavy at Ichigo; Ichigo caught it. "Did you have a nice dream?" Isshin asked, smiling creepily. "I heard you saying someone's name..."

Ichigo jabbed a finger at the door. Isshin went, dejected.

Ichigo looked down at his bookbag. When Isshin threw it in midair a piece of paper had gotten loose and was now fluttering in Ichigo's lap. He turned it over. On it read, "Future Plans Evaluation - Fill out and Return!"

He skipped down a few lines to where it said, "What do you wish to do after graduation?"

Beneath it, "Go to university" was written but crossed out. Next to it was scrawled in a hurried hand, "Try to stay alive while killing Hollows and helping dead people when I can."

Beneath that was written, in smaller handwriting, as if on afterthought, "Be with my friends. Even the death god ones."

Ichigo smirked.

He couldn't wait to see the expression on his teacher's face when he turns this in.


	2. Girly Stuff

**Girly stuff**

"Nuh-un... no way."

"Karin!"

"No.. way!"

"You can't run away from it forever."

"I'm not running away!"

Isshin overheard this particular conversation on a peaceful Sunday afternoon while making his favorite baloney sandwich with extra pickles. He poked his head into the living room where Karin was watching a soccer match on TV and Yuzu sat next to her, looking very exasperated. "Now what did I say, girls," said Isshin, biting into his sandwich. "No fighting in our family. We have to talk it out..."

Both girls turned and glared at him - even sweet Yuzu! Well, Isshin supposed he did go a bit far with his joke. No one enjoyed fighting in the family more than him after all.

"Alright, c'mon," sighed Isshin, sitting down with his lovely girls. He felt very mature today. Masaki would be proud of him. "Tell me what's wrong."

Karin and Yuzu exchanged looks. Isshin sighed again. "You don't have to be scared," he said, chewing his sandwich slowly. "I won't be mad. I'm your buddy. Trust your old man," he winked.

Karin made that disgusted face that Isshin was quite used to. But Yuzu suddenly sat up straighter and spoke.

"Yes! I will tell you what's going on, Daddy!"

"Yuzu!" cried Karin, rounding on her sister.

"Karin, Karin," said Isshin, shaking his head and placing a "comforting arm" around his tomboyish daughter. "It's okay, baby. I'm here to listen, not judge."

Karin responded by elbowing him in the stomach. "Yuzu - if you say it I'll - " Karin was so angry she couldn't think of a threat.

Yuzu ignored her and said, loudly, "Daddy..."

Isshin nodded patiently. Finally, the day came for his daughters to come to him for advice to their problems. And advice he shall give.

"... Karin won't buy a bra with me!"

Isshin choked.

"Er, now... what?" he coughed.

"I will not buy it - because I don't need it!" yelled Karin. "You go buy it yourself!"

"I'm not going by myself!" said Yuzu, crossing her arms. "And stop it, you need one just as much as I do! Plus, it's sooner or later - you can't be thinking of going your whole life without one!"

"Why not? I don't care," huffed Karin.

"If you don't wear one, I hear they'll droop!"

Isshin started gagging on his spit again and had to get up. For water, of course... in the kitchen... or maybe bathroom, which is far away enough so he won't hear this stuff... Uh, not that he doesn't want to be here... but, well, it seemed like his daughters were handling it well on their own.

Neither Karin nor Yuzu noticed him walking (sneaking) away. They were still in a heated argument. "You just want one so you can brag to your friends that you're the first to wear a bra!" Karin was yelling. "Yeah? Well at least my friends and I are normal! Just because you kick around a ball all the time doesn't mean you're not a girl!" Yuzu was screaming.

Isshin went up the stairs.

He knocked on the door and waited.

Finally, it opened.

"What."

Isshin looked up into the ungrateful face of his sulky, grumpy, delinquent-haired teenaged son. Ichigo had never looked so beautiful.

"Please... help," sobbed Isshin.


	3. Girly Stuff, Part II

**Girly Stuff, Part II**

Ichigo was in-between a rock and a hard place.

When Isshin came to him with this dilemma, Ichigo immediately slammed the door in his father's face. He just assumed anything with the word "bra" coming out of his dad's mouth was some perverted jibe on Ichigo himself. However, when his father started crying, Ichigo had to finally acknowledge that this was in fact serious.

Now Ichigo grew up without a mom. The other female, living relatives that he still had were: a grandmother, but she was too senile; an aunt, but she lived too far away and was too annoying; and a cousin, but she was only three years old. And so. Moving on to friends.

Ichigo's best friend, Tatsuki, is a girl. Indeed she is. However, she is a tomboy. Of course she'd gotten a lot girlier over the past years - for one thing, her hair is longer - but this did not change the fact that Ichigo found it very awkward to bring up bras with Tatsuki. Guy friends just don't talk about bras and girl pubescent issues with their friends who are girls. Especially since Ichigo never really thought of Tatsuki as very feminine, something that would surely offend Tatsuki very much if she intuited it somehow.

Ichigo's next close female friend was Orihime. However, bras was definitely not a good topic to discuss with Orihime, whose... you know, were very big. Yes, contrary to popular belief Ichigo does notice Orihime's thoracic region every once in a while. Make it everytime he sees her. He wasn't blind, after all. The only difference between him and other horndogs, or that weird lesbian chick always groping Orihime's boobs, is that he was used to seeing naked women from a young age, courtesy of finding his father's stash of pornos the summer he was nine years old. So it takes a lot more than large breasts to turn Ichigo on.

Anyway. So Ichigo could not talk about bras with Orihime without seeming like he was hitting on her. Besides Orihime and Tatsuki, however, he had no other female, living friend.

And so. Moving on to guy friends that Ichigo had.

His best guy friend was of course Chad. But Chad... did he seem like the kind of guy who could help him out with bras and little sisters? Chad was a very dependable, honest guy and definitely not a pervert. Ichigo could picture him going bra-shopping with Yuzu and Karin - a little weird, but it would probably carry out well. Chad looked intimidating so Yuzu and Karin would be afraid to cross him, which meant the shopping trip would end very quickly and efficiently. However, again the matter was bringing up the whole thing with Chad. He did not have big enough of an incentive to convince Chad to do this. And poor Chad. The shopping clerks at the mall would probably call the police and report him as a child predator, despite the truth.

Keigo and Mizuiro were too perverted and experienced with women, respectively. So they were out (sorry, guys).

Now who does that leave? That leaves Ishida, Ichigo's friend-enemy. Or, frenemy. Ishida was the person least likely to be mad or aghast or awkward if Ichigo were to talk to him about his problem. Ishida, after all, seemed to enjoy girly things a lot; he sewed all those flowery things on Kon before, and he always looked well-groomed himself. Therefore, he might know a little something about bras. He would not raise suspicions if he was seen in the lingerie section with two little girls. Yes, Ishida seemed like the perfect choice.

Ichigo grabbed a phone and called up Ishida.

"Hello?"

"It's Kurosaki. Listen, I need a favor. Can you take my sisters to the mall to buy some bras?"

Ishida hung up. Ichigo tried re-dialing, but it went straight to voicemail. Those damn Quincys and their caller ID.

Ichigo, dejected, left his room and went downstairs to bring his father the bad news: that no one else is available and so Isshin would have to take Karin and Yuzu to the mall to buy some bras.

He heard voices coming from the living room. "... special stage that every person - yes, even your brother and me! - has to go through. And so, without further ado I shall go into why boys develop a lower voice and massive pubic hair during puberty and why girls develop breasts and monthly - "

Ichigo entered the living room.

"- bleeding. Oh, how nice of you to join us, Ichigo!"

Ichigo blinked slowly at the gigantic, and horrible, drawing of the human reproductive organs hanging next to the television and his father ethusisatically holding a banana and a condom.

Ichigo fainted and foamed at his mouth. Actually, he didn't, he just did that in his head. Meanwhile, he went into a comatosed state which happens when one is too traumatized.

Karin sighed, looking at the glazed eyes of her brother. "Dad," she said, raising a hand.

"Yes?" grinned Isshin, giving her a thumbs-up. "Questions are good, Karin!"

"I will go and buy a bra right now."

Yuzu, who had been hiding behind a pillow, jumped up in joy upon hearing this. "Yay! Let's go!"

Isshin watched as his twins linked arms and skipped out the door (or sprinted away like there was no tomorrow) with his credit card.

"A job well done," Isshin beamed, and patted himself on the back.


	4. Hard Times

**Hard Times**

Urahara was getting a strange feeling recently: that someone was watching him.

Now granted, it wasn't surprising that someone would be watching Urahara. It could easily be a Hollow, or a Shinigami, or Yoruichi in her cat form, or a random squirrel, or more likely, a female fan of Urahara secretly admiring him. Considering Urahara was quite a looker for someone his age, this would be quite the norm.

Imagine his surprise, however, when he discovered that his stalker was none of the above.

It was Jinta.

The boy shut the door so fast that Urahara only caught a glimpse from the corner of his eye, but yup, there was no mistaking that tacky red hair. Urahara was somewhat disturbed. He was usually a happy-go-lucky guy but there were still situations that could make him uncomfortable. And one of them was thinking you were peeing in peace and quiet and then suddenly realize you were being spied on by your male kid employee.

Urahara finished taking care of his private business and exited the bathroom. Jinta was hiding behind the nearest pole, thinking himself clever but his shoe was clearly showing. Urahara did not feel ready yet for a confrontation so he went to see Tessai for his two cents.

"Well," said Tessai after Urahara confided in him. "Let's think about it. Why would Jinta be stalking you?"

Urahara thought about it. "Perhaps... he has a crush on me."

Tessai tried to ignore the shiver of willies tingling down his spine. "Or," suggested Tessai quickly, maybe it has to do with work."

"Work?" Urahara blinked. "But Jinta does no work. He only breaks my windows with his baseball games and bullies Ururu."

Tessai shrugged. "Actually, lately he's been working very hard. It's very strange."

"Aha," nodded Urahara. "He wants a raise."

"A raise?" Tessai stroked his chin. "But... you don't have any money."

"Of course I do!" said Urahara, snapping his fan shut for emphasis. "We have many customers."

"Only one now," reminded Tessai. "Kurosaki Karin. And you don't charge her."

Urahara paused. "Then... perhaps Jinta wants to quit."

"That would make sense," nodded Tessai. "He did seem very angry last week when you made him clean Yoruichi's litter box."

"Times are hard," said Urahara. "Maybe I should let Jinta go. The economy's just bad and other companies are laying off workers. I should learn from them."

"Yes, but..." said Tessai. "You don't actually pay Jinta anything. Remember? You give him wages and he puts them in his piggy bank and then you break into it and take the money back when he's sleeping."

"That's it!" said Urahara, pounding his hand excitedly. "He must have found out and just wants to accuse me and call me horrible names!"

"Well, he is growing up," Tessai pointed out. "Kids nowadays don't believe things anymore. See through everything."

"Not at all like us when we were that age," sighed Urahara. "We were so pure." He fanned himself for a little while, then frowned. "But why didn't Jinta barge into the bathroom during my moment of privacy and yell at me right then and there? That's a Jinta thing to do."

"Perhaps he's hiding something," said Tessai. "Perhaps he wants the money to buy something he doesn't want us to find out."

"He is getting to that age," agreed Urahara.

"Maybe that's why he wants to talk to you. He might have questions he's embarrassed to ask his teachers. You are, after all, his father figure."

"Am I really?" asked Urahara.

Tessai got up and picked up his bunny duster. "Just go talk to him, boss. Then you'll know for sure."

Urahara sighed deeply but felt a lot more reassured and confident. He thanked Tessai and went to find Jinta. Which wasn't hard, since he was right outside the door pretending he was not trying to eavesdrop.

"Jinta, I believe it's time we have a talk," said Urahara.

Jinta looked down at his feet. "Yeah..."

"Tell me, is this about work?" asked Urahara.

"Work?" Jinta blinked. "No."

"Oh," said Urahara. "Then..."

"It's... um, kind of personal," said Jinta. "And embarrassing."

Urahara cleared his throat.

"I just have a question - "

" - perhaps you should go see Tessai for that," said Urahara.

Jinta stared at him. "But I can only ask you this. You're the only one who can answer it."

"Oh, alright..." said Urahara, tugging at his collar.

"Boss, have you, ever, you know, had a relationship with a woman?"

"Jinta I don't feel comfortable discussing..."

"And if you did, did you ever have a baby with her-"

Urahara flailed his arms. "THAT'S IT JINTA! Don't you think you're a little young to be thinking about things of this nature? You're only, what, eight years old!"

"Ten," corrected Jinta.

"Still too young to be having such perverted thoughts! Go to your room! You'll have to wait a couple more years to learn about the birds-"

Jinta rolled his eyes and looked behind him. "You can come out, Ururu. He's not your father."

"-and the bees... wait, what?"

Urahara had not noticed that there were another pair of shoes peeking from behind the pole. Ururu edged from behind it timidly.

Jinta jabbed a thumb at Ururu. "She was wondering if maybe she's your love child. Since, you know, you guys both have that weird split-bang thing in the middle of your forehead and your names sound kinda similar."

Urahara took a deep breath and turned to Ururu.

"Ururu... I'm not your father."

She nodded sadly.

"Well, I'm glad that's all in the clear now," said Urahara after a moment. "Jinta is not gay and in love with me nor is he in danger of becoming a sex maniac," he thought silently. He turned around and walked away, whistling to himself, for a huge burden has been lifted off his shoulder.

Jinta and Ururu were left standing awkwardly in the hallway. They looked at each other.

Then Jinta laughed smugly and said, "I told you it was a stupid idea! It's friggin' obvious Boss has never gotten laid." He whispered in Ururu's ear, "He's still... a _virgin_." Ururu nose-bled.

Somewhere on his sun porch Urahara sneezed.


	5. Makeover

**Prosquirtle: **I believe this is for you. yup, ALL because you wanted me to keep going, I got inspired for another chapter! hahah. This fic... OFFICIALLY BACK TO IN PROGRESS! oh yeaaaah.**  
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* * *

><p><strong>Makeover <strong>

Recently Matsumoto picked up an obsession with bubblegum from who knows where. This meant that in the office of the 10th Division, rain or shine, Hitsugaya did his paperwork to the delightful sounds of popping bubbles and endless chewing from his lazy lieutenant. Needless to say it wasn't helping his concentration. And he thought the drinking was bad.

Still, seeing as how Ichimaru Gin hadn't died too long ago, Hitsugaya figured the gum-chewing could be part of Matsumoto's mourning mechanism and decided to just endure it.

And two weeks later, what did he have to show for his soft heart?

A wad of pink gum stuck in his beautiful white hair.

"I'm so sorry, taicho!" gasped Matsumoto. "I was aiming to spit it towards the trash can, but you were standing right in front of it and-"

"Just _get it out_," Hitsugaya said, trying his very best to stay calm.

The other officers were staring with interest by now. "That's gum, sir," one of them said helpfully. "You can't pull it out of hair. You have to cut it."

"Cut it," repeated Hitsugaya blankly.

Matsumoto put on a bright smile. "Hey, that's an idea! Don't you think it's time you got a haircut? Your hair has been getting quite long, you know."

Hitsugaya thought about this while Matsumoto held her breath. Well, it was true that he hadn't cut his hair in a while. And shorter hair would be faster to shampoo and besides, now he wouldn't have to use all that hair gel to keep his hair properly spiked up.

"Alright," he said.

"OH YAY!" shrieked Matsumoto. "Someone throw me a pair of scissors."

Hitsugaya just looked at her.

"It was just a joke," pouted Matsumoto.

x

When she brought Hitsugaya to the barbershop, Matsumoto was struck with the thought: "Why don't _I_ get a haircut too? I'm here and everything!" So Matsumoto got her hair trimmed to her shoulders. Hinamori saw this the next day, and she also started thinking: "Why don't I get a haircut? A change would be so refreshing." So she got a haircut. Then Hinamori bumped into Rukia Kuchiki-

Ok, you probably get the gist.

By the end of week, Hitsugaya had unknowingly inspired a trend that resulted in _most_ people getting a haircut. Except the stubborn ones... like Renji.

"No way," he said, crossing his arms. "Unlike you conformers, I'm a rebel." He didn't want to just admit that when he was really little he had short hair and it was horrid.

Still, he felt kind of left out seeing SO MANY PEOPLE changing hairstyles, even _Byakuya_, who you'd think would be fine with being boring and resisting the latest fad. So Renji got a really great idea. He'll spice up his appearance by replacing his _white _headband with a _dark-colored _one.

"I know," thought Renji, checking himself out in the mirror. "Mind... blown."

Byakuya noticed this change in his lieutenant and was not very happy. He sensed that Renji was trying to one-up him. Of course he'd never _show_ that he felt one-upped. Therefore he very casually commented that his white scarf was getting in the way of combat - for example, it could provide a way for the enemy to strangle him - and then took it off. And _left it off_.

(He also took off his kenseikan and changed them to _different hair clips_. "Who's the daring one now, Renji?" thought Byakuya smugly.)

What followed, then, was a wave of wardrobe modifications spreading throughout the Gotei 13, which can collectively be classified as a social phenomenon called the Makeover Movement.

"What do you think, taicho?" asked Matsumoto one fine morning. She showed Hitsugaya the new slit in the skirt of her uniform. "Sexy, no?"

Several officers behind her nose-bled but Hitsugaya was hardly impressed.

"Go do your paperwork, Matsumoto," he said.

Matsumoto did not appear to hear him. She was busy tapping her chin and squinting at Hitsugaya while walking around him in a circle.

"What?"

"Taicho, why do you wear your green sash like that all the time?" asked Matsumoto. "I think it would look much better as a scarf, like the one Captain Byakuya had."

"Which he discarded so it wouldn't choke him in battle," said Hitsugaya, looking bored.

"Puh-lease. What a lie. I tell you, he only got rid of the scarf because some girls claimed he was hiding a hickey with it."

"Hickey?" Hitsugaya had never heard of such a word.

Matsumoto just waved a hand. "That's not the point here, taicho. The point is, your New Look doesn't look complete! You need to do more. Or do you want to be called 'old-fashioned' by the recruits?"

"How is my outfit now 'old-fashioned'?" demanded Hitsugaya.

"Listen," said Matsumoto, trying a different tactic. "You want to know what I think?"

"No."

"I think you'd look a lot _taller_ by wearing a scarf," she whispered knowingly.

"Go do your paperwork, Matsumoto."

The next day, "someone" mysteriously stole Hitsugaya's green sash while he was taking a bath and apparently replaced it with a green scarf. Which he wore around his neck and not diagonally across his shoulders to hold his Zanpakuto because, after all, that's what you do with a scarf. When people curiously asked why the thief did not do anything worse to Hitsugaya while Hitsugaya was vulnerably naked-and why give the victim a free scarf if you're there to steal something-Hitsugaya just told them to shut up and finish their paperwork.

Oh, and he announced that gum was now strictly forbidden during the workplace for eternity.


End file.
